Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
