We're facebook friends in real life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
