My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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