How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
