I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
