First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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