i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize