i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
soo... how was my night?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
