Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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