Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
