i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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