Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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