My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
