omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
