How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize