I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
