I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
