last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
