the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
