Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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