OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
