Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm determined to sit on that face.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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