i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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