Just cropdusted the office
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
