he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
