this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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