Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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