Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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