I have demons in me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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