I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
