There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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