genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
