I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
worst night to have a conscience
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
