Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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