I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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