Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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