I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My first STD was from a foam party
just tell him i said nine months
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize