tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize