Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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