Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
