I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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