I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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