I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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