I wish I could teleport
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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