Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
