WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
