Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
