I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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