I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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