Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
where are my eyebrows?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
