I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize