Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
please come you make the beer taste better
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
