i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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