I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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