I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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