I accidentally had phone sex last night
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Success! We fucked roommates!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
