you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
